It was a wet morning in October when I stepped of the number 73 bus at the west end of Oxford Street. The tip of my umbrella scraped along the pavement and I was forced to abandon it in a recycling bin. I removed my hat as I pushed against the huge brass doors of the department store. I was in the perfumery section. Already, I could smell well for free.
I walked towards the food past the huge 'chocolate library' where hundreds of bars of the sweet stuff are displayed. Purely in the interests of research, I was to discover whether it was possible to survive off the free food samples in Selfridges for a week. In present circumstances, what experiment could be more natural?
Selfridges Food Hall consists of several hexagonal counters in white and glass providing food from around the world. I hover by one selling Mediterranean sweets and a young woman walks past with a tray of miniature tubs of frozen yoghurt. Before I can say don't mind if I do, I have snaffled two of the tiny buckets. It is breakfast or possibly lunch and it is gratis.
A moment later, I am dipping artisan bread in bespoke olive oil. Who cares what's going on outside? I'm in Selfridges and it's free.
Alright, after one too many mouthfuls of rose-scented Turkish delight, I am asked to leave, but my quest doesn't end there. This is London, one of the greatest metropolises on Earth, and its cornucopia of good things simply overflows.
I have heard that religious folk feed the hungry in Lincoln's Inn Fields for nada and my feet clip-clop eastwards one after the other. I appear, purely for my investigations. Here are the down and outs, the unfortunate immigrants and maybe the feckless. A choice of religions is feeding the hungry. Word goes around that the Hari Krishnas are the best. They hand out a reliable curry. The Hindus give out bags of crisps and chocolate. Unfortunately, the Christians are doling out a tasteless stew and force the helpless to listen to a man on a guitar.
But Free London doesn't end there. I make my way to Regent's Park where I discover I can, by standing in the right places, view animals for free in London Zoo. So far I've spied a hyena and a wallaby.
And so, my experiment is at an end and I must go as I've heard a bunch of Scientologists is giving out free Twixes in Walthamstow.
